Others just don't understand

A friend of mine quoted in her blog recently from someone else who was transitioning, "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France. I guess in some ways we do. But I think one of the hardest part for others to understand or accept is that for most of us, transitioning means that for the first time in our lives we truly put ourselves first. In those of us who have co-dependency as one of their dysfunctions, it represents almost an opposite image of who they thought we were. It means making choices that others find distasteful and selfish. Knowing how their loved ones are going to react puts many of us in a ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ position. For those living at or below the poverty line the problems are even greater. It often comes down to prioritizing which critical issues are going to have to be ignored. Is it food? Shelter? Hormones? Counseling? Gifts for the kids? And this is after we think we have gotten past the hard part of ‘coming out.’ The part where we lose spouses and jobs, family and friends, which seems like the hard part at the time. After that it seems like the really hard actions to take have been done. The truth is that actions that are distasteful have to be continued. I think this is a reason that Tfolk start contracting down their worlds to the point that most of their friends and in many cases their partners are Trans themselves as it is just easier. They understand without having to be told. They have had to take the same distasteful actions in their lives. They have the same sorts of losses and have faced the same challenges in living their lives. As always there is strength in numbers. 2 is better than 1. But some don’t seek out others for help as they have to make the hard choices. Early on I was that way. I have a suicide attempt to show for it. I can see why so many of us go that route. There is the never ending pain of gender dysforia on one side and the pain of hurting our loved ones on the other. There seems to be ‘no way out.’ But there is. It means putting yourself first. My favorite illustration of this is part of the safety lecture on a commercial flight. When the cabin loses pressure (no oxygen to breathe) the oxygen mask falls from the ceiling. For those folks traveling with children it represents an immediately critical decision. Who do I put the mask on? Those children that I would do anything in the world for including die, or myself? The flight attendants give you the answer. You put the mask on yourself. You help yourself first so that you have the capability of helping your kids in the future. It is contrary to what has been ingrained in us over the years. We are taught by family and society that being selfish is wrong. When it comes to self preservation, being selfish is right.