I have been complemented time and time again for my bravery. People tell me they do not have the internal fortitude necessary to take on the world. To have the internal strength to willingly put myself in the situation where I could (and did in most cases) lose my family, my job, my house, my car, and my friends. It was a daunting path no doubt, and I despaired so deeply at one point that I did attempt suicide because I could not envision an end to the mind-searing and never-ending pain of either wearing this disgusting and painful disguise or losing everything. The pain of never fitting in even though it appeared I was the life of the party. I chose oblivion rather than endless days of unending agony… but I fortunately miscalculated how long I would be alone and was saved at the last moment. Now I know that it does get better and so have hope however slim. My only choice, either life or death, wasn’t really a choice for someone with friends, family, and especially children that love me. For me living is just like other's decision to breathe or make their heat beat. It is just automatic.
There are others that face the same horrors (of discrimination) that I do yet willingly choose to do so. I am speaking of my (our) partners. Ideally, a relationship with me is just like any other. Some folks are messy, or snore, or avoid responsibility. Others have excess gas, are loud, have social filter problems, or may be a little too self-centered at times. Somebody has to take out the trash and someone has to pay the bills. Some days I lead, some days she does. We divvy up duties by what someone told me years ago (when I was just learning about who does what in a Lesbian relationship) "the tall person carries the umbrella." We deal with the same issues as every other couple and struggle with the same problems. But we are outside the realm of 'normal' to 90% of society. Not only are we a Lesbian couple, but a Lesbian couple with a 6'4" MTF Transgender involved. Kind of hard to hide. If the outside world was completely benevolent towards us, we would still face challenges that others only hear about. But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a world full of hypocrites, bigots, ignorance, and unkind people. While I have learned to be very thick skinned and am (mostly) immune to the world's slings and arrows, others (those who would be my partner) are exposed to the same hostility, disrespect, and challenges that I am, without my naturally (well acquired through years of practice) tough emotional 'armor.' My loved ones face the same issues with others’ acceptance as I do... without the thin cover of it being a lack of choice. For them IT IS a choice. They have made the choice of exposing themselves to cruelty, intolerance, and rejection just to be with the one they love. Think about it, my family loves me and has for forty odd years. They know just how wonderful I am intimately but even they had a hard time accepting me and some of them still don't. They are starting to get that it isn't a choice for. For my partner, who has always been 'known' as being a heterosexual female, choosing me is a crazy concept to her family. Hard enough for them to wrap their head around their daughter, cousin, niece, sister etc is 'now' a lesbian, but a Trans!? Are you kidding me?! Her mom loves me, yet still discounts me as a permanent partner for her daughter. But that is a warm reception compared to her father. She has basically been disowned by him solely due to her relationship with me. Then there are the the other slights of family; not being invited to family gatherings. Gossiping incessantly about her and stalking her Facebook account. There are repercussions too in other places. Her study group at college is not aware of our relationship and one of them has decided to make it a big deal. In a group of 4 or 5 people this has a huge impact. Then there is work. How will she be perceived there when we get married and I'm on her insurance with my upcoming name change? What about company outings and Christmas parties? Then there is the relationship with her ex husband (her kids father) and his mother (the kids' grandmother). I provided another avenue for him to create problems for her and both he and his mom say very degrading things about me to the kids. Her partnership with me impacts every single aspect of her life. Time has given me an appreciation of this fact and I've come to the conclusion that anyone who chooses to be my partner is actually braver than I am. I have no choice... they do. Thank you, you rock!!
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